State of the Subway Address

I hop on the Path train at the Hoboken station. I'm one of the few people standing. Minutes drag on and the train gets full. People crowd around the pole I'm holding on to. As the doors close a blonde woman rushes in and squeezes her way to the pole where there are already too many people (not that there aren't other areas she could have moved to). In front of me is a pocket of space in between the two people standing by the doors -a woman with a backpack so big I question if she's hiding two corpses inside and some guy who reeks of curry (why does he smell like this at 8 in the morning I don't know. Who has curry for breakfast?).

The blonde woman who squeezed into the train at the last minute is standing behind me and holding her handbag in front of her so that for the entire ride from Hoboken to 9th street it hits my legs every few seconds. I look back a couple times to see if she's doing it on purpose but the second time she catches my look and says something which I thought was going to be "i'm sorry, i'm such a bitch" but when I asked her to repeat it she said "can you move over there" with an uptight constipated flair, and points to the space next to me, the one between the guy reeking of curry and the woman with the huge backpack. What??? Where's my apology you cunt?

I don't say anything, Why? I'm not in the mood to argue AND smell curry at 8 in the morning. (my defense mechanism doesn't kick in until around noon). I move and what happens? I don't even get a thank you. The smell of curry is so much more powerful and now I have to deal with the other woman and her huge backpack bumping into me every few seconds, which is why I that space was empty to begin with and also why she didn't ask me to move out of the way so she could walk over there herself.

She got off on 23rd, miss white button down blouse, white khaki pants and matching handbag which apparently doubles as a harassing device. I love your hair parted off center to the right and your bright red lipstick which scream "I love using old issues of Marie Claire as a guide to dress myself". I am sorry you are so bitter about not being born with that penis you wanted so badly that you now believe the world should gravitate around your quivering vagina.

Normally, I tend to ignore the sardine effect on the train. But I notice that Hoboken tends to attract a certain strata of people who say "f**k social rules! my back hurts from all the drinking and mild sex I've been having. I'm going to use this here pole that everyone's supposed to hold on to -so they don't fall and make complete arses out of themselves when the train starts moving- as a place for me to recline on". Great! When you leave, people get to touch the spots where your ass and dandruff just were. If you're not going to hold on to the pole or start stripping, don't be the jerk who pulls a Columbus and says "Mine!" because he got to the pole first. And then there are the people who LIKE TO TALK REALLY LOUDLY SO THAT EVERYONE CAN HEAR ABOUT YOUR AMAZING MASSAGE GUY AND SEXY MEMBERSHIP PHOTO.

It's no wonder why NYers and NJ transit riders are so upset all the time. We have to deal with this day in and day out.
To my fellow commuters, I look forward to an equally laborious ride with you this evening. I also look forward to the moment our rolling-of-the-eyes meet each other when the tired guy in the seat between us takes turns toppling into our laps in his subway slumber. Those moments where our eyes meet in mutual disgust over a moron we've both been bothered by make my heart melt and turn into that steaming pile of fertizer from which new vegetation grows. It's so Casa Blanca.

To Bloomberg who rides the train everyday: please investigate this blonde androgynous 'woman' I mentioned. Please check her bag before she enters and leaves the train every morning. Judging by the shape of the objects in her bag that were pressing against my legs on the train this morning, she is either packing a pipe bomb or an extra-large strap-on. Your findings are very important as not only are there innocent lives at stake but I have a 20 riding on the answer.